Being in ministry you often hear people talk about how difficult it is to balance time in ministry and time with family. Ministry is a tough field. We work 40-50 hours per week in a battlefield and I've yet to meet a pastor who is paid what he's worth (at least not an honest one!) We come home tired to families, ready to give what we can. Many people refer to this as the 'leftovers'. I've heard it several times and I heard it again today. Why do we feel this way? Why is it that when we work hard for the Kingdom, we allow ourselves to feel guilty? Why do our spouses make us feel guilty?Anne Jackson wrote recently on her blog that "When you say yes to something, that means you're saying no to something else." This is very true. When I say yes to spending time at church, I am essentially saying no spending that time with my family. My question is why is that always seen as a bad thing? If I say no to time at church, I am saying no to something much larger. I'm saying no to preparing to do my part in the body. I'm saying no to raising up the next generation. I'm saying no to my calling. I'm saying know to my church family.
Now, don't get me wrong; a healthy family is vital to a healthy pastor, but it shouldn't an either/or thing. Ministry requires a significant amount of time above and beyond what you're paid for (if your lucky enough to be in paid ministry) and that's just what it is. This is a reality that should be discussed with our families before we go into ministry or get married if you're already in ministry.
My husband is not in ministry, but he is very aware of what it demands. He knows that I will always work more than I'm paid for (if I'm being paid at all). He knows that Christmas Eve, Easter, Mother's Day and Father's Day are the highest visitors week in churches, and therefore I may be absent from home on those days. He knows that if there is an opportunity to expand God's Kingdom that my needs and his needs have to take a back seat. He also knows that I love him, I appreciate him, and I support him in what he does just as much as he supports me.
So I refuse to call what I have to give at the end of the day, "leftovers", because it's not. My working hard for God during the day doesn't mean I only have junk left to give my husband. Do I get tired, beaten, and grumpy- absolutely, but it's job to know how to work hard for God and be a good wife. When I struggle with it, I know God can show me how.
Being a good spouse is less about quantity and more about quality. If you feel like your giving your spouse 'leftovers', don't immediately think you shouldn't do so much at church. Try to look at the quality of the relationship. Here are a list of questions to help you determine why your involvement might be causing a problem(some of them seem silly, but they're true!):
1. Do you have at least one quality evening together a week?
2. Do you send each other romantic or even sexy little texts/emails/notes?
3. Do you tell your spouse how much you appreciate them at least once per week?
4. Do you kiss each other for at least 5 minutes everyday?
5. Do you have a healthy sex life?
6. Do you CLEARLY communicate where you are and when you'll be home
7. If you have kids: Do you try to give your spouse at least two hours a week without them?
8. Do you know that you have your spouse's support when you're away from home?
9. Do you demonstrate support for each other emotionally and practically?
10. Do you tell your spouse how attractive they are to you everyday?
If you answered 'no' to at least 3 of these, then I would say that it's not the amount of time you're involved, it's the strength of your relationship. Try doing each of these things, and try having a heartfelt discussion with your spouse. Usually the non-involved spouse is really just feeling shafted by your busyness or sometimes just insecure. Strengthening the relationship from the inside is what needs to happen. Cutting back the time you spend in ministry WILL NOT fix the problem, it will only put a band-aid on it. As someone who's been divorced- I know this first hand. If the problem is in the relationship, then address it with your spouse and address it with God.
-JUST MY OPINION
DISCLAIMER: This article does not apply to workaholics. If you work more than 50 hours per week on a regular basis, then please buy Anne Jackson's Book 'Mad Church Disease' and take a vacation!
