Beautiful, Beautiful

I was listening to a song today called "Beautiful, Beautiful" and it really made me reflect on God's grace. The opening words in the chorus are: "Like sunlight burning at midnight, making my life something so beautiful, beautiful" And it just made me think about how endless my failures are and how endless God's grace is. I know we all have failures, but I always feel like my past is so much more shady than that of my peers.

10 years ago, I was just some 17 girl. I was hurting and lost. I was addicted to drugs such as meth, cocaine, ecstasy, whatever I could find really. I wasn't so much addicted to the drugs chemically as emotionally. I used them to deal with my social and romantic pains and the shame of my sex life and emotionally abusive boyfriend. I knew about God, but never felt like I could be into that type of stuff. About 9 years ago, God went to work. I was set free from problems I didn't even know I had and God began to show me what I am worth to Him. I grew slowly over the next several years. Then I went through a really difficult divorce. I won't retell that story here. If you want, you can read my posts: Yeah I'm Divorced- Part 1 & Part 2.

I felt like that lost 17 yr old again. I felt so unworthy to even go to church, let alone approach God. It wasn't long before God went to work again, showing me how He sees me. Showing me that I could never make Him not want me. Sometimes, I think we are harder on ourselves than God will ever be. I know this is true for me. I can sit for hours and self evaluate my actions. What I've learned is that God approaches things so very differently.

God is fully aware of our condition. He knows we will mess up many things, big and small. Yet, He chooses to stick by us anyhow.

There are times in my life when I feel like I've just messed up too much. Like God is gonna say, "Well, that was the last straw! You're on your own kid!" - I actually think that sometimes. However, I'm beginning to notice a pattern......

I constantly screw things up, like everyday, and yet, God has never so much as shaken His head in disappointment at me. I've been broken in some of the most deep and painful ways a person can be broken in and yet I always seem to come out with out so much as a scratch. As a matter of fact, I always seem to come out looking better than before.

That my friends, is Grace.

No matter what we do, no matter how far we go off the path, God is right there with open arms ready to accept us and change us with His grace, mercy and love. Where we see mistakes, God sees opportunity. Where we see failure, God sees potential. If I had a perfect or even normal life, I would not be who I am. It's the friction of my life that has shaped me into who I need to be in God's Kingdom, so I can do what He has for me to do.

There are still days when I feel regret and get overwhelmed but the inevitable backlash of my failures. However, I am always reminded of Romans 5:3-5:

³Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴perseverance, character; and character, hope."

I have suffered, some caused by my own hand and some not, but I know that God doesn't want us to dwell in it. He wants us to look at our sufferings as opportunities and see the hope we have in Him. He will use our brokenness, both past and present, to recreate us into something better.

We have all failed, but God doesn't see that when He looks at us. God doesn't see what we are, He sees who we will be. We can try to mess things up a hundred times and He will never stop believing in us. I think we too often forget that God is love and love never fails. Don't ever feel ashamed to run to God. He is for us. Even when we walk away He never stops believing in us. He never stops wanting the best for his children.

I look at my life today and the direction God is taking me. It overwhelms me with joy and humility. He really has made my life beautiful before Him and it's not because I'm "super special", it's only because He loves me. It's a humbling thought.

How about you? Do you struggle with this? How do you work it out?