Just call me Jonah........

So here I am on a Sunday afternoon. My girls are napping, husband is working, and it's just me and God. Do you ever feel like you're avoiding God, and you can't quite figure out why? Kinda like Jonah, where you don't really want to or think you can do what God wants you to, and easiest thing to do is simply avoid God. Like Jonah, we learn the hard way that there is no avoiding God. Fortunately, I've not yet been thrown overboard and swallowed by a giant fish. Instead, a constant drawing, this feeling of being pressed and squeezed.

All my life I have struggled with confidence on the deepest level, and up until now, my Father has pretty much let me get away with it, but now I feel it changing.

I'm not going to get deep into anything, but after years of working at it, I still feel inadequate to do the things that God has called me to do. Have you been there? I just keep telling God, well, let me get better at this, let me practice longer, I'm not ready to lead anyone or I can't do [fill in blank]. Usually God extends grace and lets me walk down the road at a glacial pace that makes me comfortable, but not now, not in this season. God is pushing and like an idiot I like to dig my heels into the ground.

I think many of us go through things like this at some point, but I have to say, I've never felt so fearful or overwhelmed. So I wonder, why? Why do we feel this way when God is pushing us to that next level?

Well, here are my why's. For you they may be different:

1. The unknown- when God has to push us, it's usually because we won't go on our own and that is usually because it's something new. We fear what we don't know and what we can't predict.

2. Control- as much as I think I don't mind God having control over my life, in times like these, I find that my humanity creeps in and I do mind. Even as I grow up in my faith, I still have so many "well, just let me drive" moments with God. I mean don't we all?

3. The enemy- Our ever present foe who loves to undermine whatever God is trying to do. He wants to convince us that we can't, shouldn't, or that we will fail.

4. Doubt- I don't doubt God, but sometimes I struggle with being sure of what God is telling me. I will hear God and then doubt creeps in and I think, "well, was that really God or was that what I wanted to hear?" Deep down, I know God when I hear Him, but I still struggle with doubt. Being that I don't have a lot of close friends to weigh things out with, it can be hard to get the confirmation that my mind sometimes needs, even when my spirit already knows it's true.

I know this post is a bit self-indulgent and not widely helpful, sorry 'bout that. The truth is that I don't really have any answers about it. I just keep praying and trying to be obedient even when it makes me uncomfortable. I really don't think I can do these things that I feel led to do, but I do know that God won't set me up to fail, so if I trust Him, then I have to try and trust that He will make up for what I am lacking.

I know that when I get to where ever the heck it is God wants to take me, I will look back and say, "This is awesome, what was I whining about?"