One is the Loneliest Number

This was hard for me to write. I like to observe and discuss things that happen around me, but I'm not a big fan of discussing my own problems. I just felt really strongly when I woke up this morning that some of you out there may be wrestling with this issue of loneliness. I'm not really writing this to say "woes me, I'm so lonely", but instead I feel compelled to write it for those of you out there in the same boat. As I work through this, maybe it'll help you work through it and know that you're not alone in feeling how you feel.

I've never really been one of those people who has a ton of friends. I don't have 60 people who call me when I'm down. I don't really ever go out with people other than my husband. I have very few people who really know me on a personal level. Is that by choice? No, not really. It just is. It's been like that for many years, but I never really thought much about. As I get a little older, I'm beginning to think more about my connections with others.


I can count on one hand the number of people who've I've been close friends with (that includes my husband). Up until recently, I always thought that was pretty sad and pathetic. I would think, "I'm a nice person. I'm fun. I'm social. What's wrong with me?" Even as I sit here and pose that questions I can feel God saying, "Nothing. There's nothing wrong with you." So then, why? Why do some of us have a plethora of friends while others have few or none? Well, I'm not going to pretend like I can answer that for everybody, but here's what I've discovered about me:

1. I am honest. Most people would say honesty is a good thing, and then they meet me. I was born with a defective filter between my brain and my mouth. Usually, whatever I'm thinking is exactly what spills out of my mouth. Some people (not many) appreciate my candor, but most think I'm being rude or simply unpleasant. Some people even make judgements on me for it. I get called things like prideful, self-righteous and not a Christian by people who don't even know me!
2. I am a multi-talented person. I actually have trouble recognizing that in myself. It feels prideful to say, but as I grow, I realize that God designed me that way for a purpose. I need to embrace it and use it for His glory. Having said that, it can intimidating. Highly creative people who can do many things tend to be on the fringe of their communities and intimidation is one reason why. It is also hard for these types to feel connected because our brains operate in what seems like the opposite direction of most of our peers.
3. I distance myself. Yes, this is partially self-inflicted. I don't like to get close to people for a couple of reasons. 1) I'm afraid that the more the get to know me, the less they will like me. 2) I've had a very painful life and I can hardly tell somebody about my life and testimony without bursting into tears. Being somebody that despises crying in front of others, I generally avoid this type of heart to heart conversation.
4. I won't change. Okay, it's not that I won't ever change things. I change as God wills it to happen, but there are some things that God has placed in me that will never change. I see many people around me who have this level of social adaptability that I will never have. Like a chameleon they can morph and fit in to any social group. They relate instantly to those around them. That ain't me folks. Call it stubborn, but I what I am, and I don't want to adapt to the norm so people will like me. When I try, it feels somehow wrong. We can call it shooting myself in the foot, but I prefer to call it strong in my convictions.

I'm sure there are many more reasons, but that's what I have so far. I find that the more I discover the 'why' behind the things that bother me, the more I find peace about it. There are some days when I feel very lonely. I feel like I can't talk to anybody. I feel like know one understand me. Even though I am very active in my church and interact with many people in the course of working on various projects, there are days when I feel like a total outsider. On those days, God reminds me of who He is and who I am. He reminds me that He's my best friend. He knows me, understands me, and accepts me for all my flaws and weakness. He never questions my heart or my motives, because He knows me better than I know me. Learning this type of dependence has not been easy, in fact I'm still working on it. I just try to remind myself of why I'm here. The role that God has given me in His Kingdom is just not one that creates many friends, but compromising myself to fit in would compromise my relationship with my best (and some days only) friend, God.

What about you? Which side of the fence do you fall on?