Divorce- oh, my! This is one of those issues that I've always wanted to talk about but I'm scared to talk about. However, I feel that I need to talk about it now. After all, how will the stigma surrounding divorced people ever fall away if we don't talk about it? Even though this story is the short version- I still had to divide it in two parts. Divorce is a complicated beast and I wanted to really do justice to the issue and honestly portray my personal experiences.So, here's my story- the short version: When I was 18, I became a Christian. I am a highly emotional person, I would say that my choice to follow Christ was more of an emotional decision. The real growth and relationship happened slowly over time (but that's another post).
I got saved in a little pentecostal church where some guy I wanted to date brought me. Truthfully, I only went for the guy, but God seized the opportunity and went to work. Just 4 months afterward, I found myself married to that guy. his name was Jeremy. Some of you reading this probably know/knew him. If so, some of this may make you uncomfortable.... sorry. Anyhow, I was 18 and just thought life was peachy. Jeremy wanted to be a youth pastor and I wanted to sing. It seemed quite perfect, but it wasn't. Now I could sit here and name off everything that was wrong with this marriage. I could make a list a mile long of his shortcomings, but I won't. I'm past that. Let's just say this: It was bad. It was bad from the beginning. Within 2 years, I knew I'd made a very stupid choice. I didn't know him when I married him, hell, I was 18, I didn't even know myself yet. During our marriage we kept our issues concealed. At one point I asked him to go marriage counseling or talk to our pastor, but he didn't want to for reasons I'm not sure I even understand today. So behind closed doors, we carried on. We didn't really talk or do much together. He did his thing and I did mine. He became a youth pastor and then worked for another church as a graphic designer. I led worship and did various ministries. Around our 4th year of marriage I became pregnant. Honestly, I'm not even sure how because 1) I had fertility issues and 2) we rarely had sex. So, I conclude that God really wanted my oldest baby to be here :)
Anybody who tells you that a baby will make your relationship stronger has never been in an unstable relationship. Now, I'm not blaming my daughter at all, but it was the stress of adding a baby onto an already collapsing house that ultimately resulted in the demise of the marriage. He lost his job. At that time he told me he quit, but I later found out was really happened (but I won't get into that) We had no close friends to talk to, he didn't want counseling, and I felt like my whole world was about to come crashing in around me. After Elise was born, I found myself working 50 hours a week, missing my newborn baby. We had to live with his mother (not very fun) and he wanted to leave our church, which was the job he lost, so I had no church family. I was close to the edge. I was 22 and felt hopeless. I had to take Prozac just to get through my day. I wanted to escape, so I did. I have a very good friend who does ministry in San Diego and I decided that we should go there. I don't know what I wanted, but I wanted to be somewhere else. So, in the fall of 2005, we packed up our van, baby and all, and went. I was happy to be there. Bethany is my best friend and I had missed having her around. It was nice to feel like there was somebody one my side again. During this time, I once again was forced to work because he wouldn't and soon I found myself in the same situation. Working, lonely, miserable. I remember very specifically the first time I told him I was done. I was driving down Market St. towards the bay. I went over a hill and it just came out, "I want to separate." His response was really nothing. He just said, "I can't go anywhere because I don't have a job." I sighed. A few weeks later, I got into a car accident that destroyed my car so I couldn't go to work. That was the moment that I decided I needed to change something and fast. I wanted to fly home, so we did. On the plane I told him, "When we land, you go to your mom's house and I'll go to mine." That was it for me. There were some months of back and forth. Suddenly, he wanted to change, but for me that ship had sailed.
To be continued......... READ PART 2 HERE
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