Yeah, I'm divorced....... Part 2

I thought that filing for divorce would be the hardest thing, but I was wrong. The toughest times were yet to come.

For any you contemplating divorce. Let me say this: Try everything and if the marriage is really broken, just prepare yourself. As bad as your marriage may be, the pain that follows a divorce will be a thousand times worse. It is usually short-lived, but make no mistake, the pain is immense.

So, here I was 23 and already getting divorced. I felt like a failure. I felt like I failed my friends, my daughter, and even God. I had no idea what to do or where to turn. I tried to talk to my christian friends, but I was met with a sense of shame and disapproval.
I was constantly being prodded to just 'work it out'. I was even told that I would never be allowed to lead worship or practice ministry again. I think my friends just didn't know what else to say. They knew how to deal with people who weren't Christians and dealt with the pain of divorce, but I was different. I was a Christian, I had led others, and I think because we were so efficient at hiding our issues, my friends were simply shocked.

I didn't think I could go to church. I tried a couple of times but the voices of my friends echoed in my head and I just felt such a deep sense of shame. I couldn't even sit through a service. I thought to myself, "I don't want to be a part of this anymore". I couldn't understand how people who claimed to love me so much could be so insensitive and in some cases just mean. I remember when I asked God to leave. I couldn't deal with how much I felt like I let him down. I no longer felt worthy of Him.

In the midst of losing my husband, losing God, and dealing with what ended up being a fierce custody battle, I met up with Chris. Chris and I had dated for a few months in high school, but nothing serious. In the absence of God in my life, I sought out a warm body to relate to. Chris and I quickly became involved. Even then I didn't feel really worthy of anything, so just when the relationship started to get serious, I broke up with him. I dated a few other guys, but I knew I really liked Chris. Eventually, we got back together. Now our relationship progressed much too quickly. Soon, we were engaged- less then a year after getting divorced. Now I'm currently married to him and I wouldn't have it any other way, but this was definitely a dangerous idea at first. You see, both of us were starved from loneliness. This drew us together. It's only by God's grace that our marriage has turned into the wonderful thing that it is today. Chris was raised in church, but didn't go. I didn't want to go to church because I felt ashamed.

One day I went to a church called the Salvage Yard. I just felt like I really needed to try again and the name sounded like a good place for someone like me. I liked it. The pastor there, had been through a divorce while being a pastor. We related. He'd experienced a lot of the same rejection that I had. Meeting with him was a turning point. Then a few weeks into attendance, I found out I was pregnant. Chris and I were months away from being married and here I was pregnant. Shame set in again. I asked that pastor to go to lunch with me and I remember sitting there at Chili's bawling as I told him. I waited for the reprimand that I knew I deserved, but it never came. He said, "It happens." No judgment, no condescension, no anything. I don't remember what else he said, but I remember how I felt better.

All this time I know God was protecting me and preparing me. Even though I'd asked him to leave, He didn't. He just hid. He put the right people around me. He kept pulling me back in. Slowly, I started to come back around. Chris and I got married and my youngest was born. Both of us began returning to God. I remember the night that God took all my shame away. I started attending church at my old church on Wed nights. I knew I could fly under the radar on Wed. I don't remember what was taught, but I remember I went up to the guy teaching when it was all done and asked him to pray for me. To know how significant that is, you have to know that I pretty much NEVER ask anybody to pray with me in person. I tearfully told him my story and how I felt, and he prayed. As I drove home, I was crying so hard I barely stand it, and I remember God spoke, "Just worship me. It's what you do best. You bring me great pleasure. You bring me joy. My child, I love you." In that moment restoration happened. I began to feel that fire towards God again. I knew that all was not lost. God stilled loved me and He makes me worthy to be loved. I knew right then that I would still be in ministry someday. I knew that God was turning all the pain into something good. There were still struggles ahead, but I held on to that.

I could go on forever about all the ups and downs divorce has taken me through. This was really a VERY brief synopsis. The whole story would probably be more like novel than a blog :) I still deal with it everyday. There will always be Christians who think less of me for it. I am tested in how I deal with my ex-husband even today, and Satan will always try to throw guilt and shame back into my life.

I really just wanted to share so people who love someone going through can have some perspective, and so people who are contemplating it can know the seriousness of it, and so people who are dealing with it can have hope.

Divorce is a hard thing, but God specializes in restoring things that we consider lost. That's my story. I would love to hear your story if you care to share or if you're dealing with it and you'd like some encouragement please email me: happyemjo@gmail.com

Thanks for reading and I promise I'll post something funny later to offset the seriousness of my last two posts :)