This week Relevant Magazine's most popular online article is "Beauty vs. Sexuality". It's a great article outlining the the christian discussion surrounding beauty, lust, and our responsibilities.
As a woman in ministry the balance between modesty and the desire to look good is a constant battle. Often times I have felt shame and pressure over this issue and I'm sure many other women have too. The concept of modesty doesn't bother me but the definition of modesty is constantly changing based on who you're talking to. I like that the article points out that the strong focus on this shames both men and women. Being that ministry is largely male dominated, there is little thought given by most pastors on how these discussion affect the women they serve with.
An inside joke amongst me and my close friends is my scarf collection. I have a ridiculous amount of scarves. I love my collection but it didn't start out of an obscene love of scarves. It started out of shame and self-conscious. I wasn't raised in church, so I had no real concept of this discussion of modesty before I started leading worship many years ago. I just showed up in average girl clothes- ya know jeans, flowy shirts, tank tops (non spaghetti strap, of course), skirts, whatever. I gave very little thought to my clothing because for me, it just wasn't about that. It was about worship and I wanted to look like me. Not long into things, a male friend of mine in ministry sat me down and made a short but clear comment about the inappropriateness of a shirt I was wearing. I don't really remember the shirt but it wasn't anything crazy low cut or belly-bearing. I just stood there with my mouth gaping open, because I had no idea how to respond. This was a person I respected very much, so I politely nodded and went home to cry.
I didn't understand why it hurt me so much. I mean, it's just a shirt, right? Well, from that point on I began to examine my wardrobe very closely and I carefully mulled over what was acceptable for me to wear around the church. That's where the scarves started. How can I put this delicately.....hmmmm.... OK, I am not a small woman on top. I've really always been self conscious about it, but this incident really pushed me over the edge. It's difficult when a woman is "blessed" in that way to find shirts that fit properly, thus the scarf obsession. I learned that I could where almost anything, throw a scarf on and be good to go.
Over the years that level of worry and feeling like I'm responsible if a man lusts after me has mostly left because I began to realize the idiocy of the concept. (however, my massive scarf collection remains) As the article points out, we really are putting guys down by believing that they can't appreciate a woman's beauty without wanting to jump her bones. Furthermore, if we believe that only men are prone to lusting after the opposite sex, we are all kidding ourselves. Example: If you go to any youth retreat, the rules will typically dictate that appropriate swimwear for girls is a one-piece bathing suit. I have no problem with that rule, because. let's face it, teenage boys are, well teenage boys. The hypocrisy s that the boys can walk around in nothing more than shorts, because the concept is that girls are unaffected by that kind of visual stimulation. Well, as a former teenage girl, as a woman, and as someone who has had many discussions with women about lust, let me tell you that concept is crap. Women have to work just as hard to keep lustful thoughts away as the guys do. Maybe we are less prone to acting on them, but we fight the battle too.
So what's the answer? I would say grace and understanding. We all struggle with many things. It's part of living in a broken world. Lust is just one of those things and yet we bring it front and center like it's the cause of all our problems. The solution to lust, like many solutions to our sin issues, begins with us. Before we go pointing fingers or placing blame on one gender or another, we should do some careful self-examination. The more we allow God to work on our hearts, the less our hearts are prone to wander.